Birthdays

May 23-May 27

Such busy days. Lawyer and talk of wills and living wills.Son Jim went with me and was a huge help.

Can’t find my will. Denial? Cluttered brain?? Cluttered Office! Assistant Alison is graduating this week and so I am on my own in my chaos of hurricane desks and scattered papers enough to print a Proustlike novel.

Oncologist visit with Dr. Brenda Panzera, whom I admire and trust totally. Bloods drawn and my counts are fine. No anemia! She answered my questions. Would my memory get worse? YES. Chemo fog. Glad Jim and Sybil came with me. They asked good questions and consoled me about memory loss.

My adult memories are mostly gorgeous– my wonderful 22-year marriage to Marty, kids and grandkids, friendships, travel, writing books, doing art, working for a better world. (WHEN!!!!) Why, I ask, did those tiny tumors invade such a busy happy, complicated person. In the city, mistakes are made with deliveries. This might be one of them.

Home in time for trainer Marisa. Want to keep as physically strong as possible. She comes 3x a week. Sybil made pesto pasta and other goodies.

Birthdays! Mine was Sunday, My 25 and son Jim was Monday, May 26. We had a combined party Sunday. Daughter Annie and John came up from Silver Spring for the weekend. The whole apartment was festooned with birthday ribbons and birthday hangings and banners and balloons and what fun! (a little little voice. which could only be mine said, Last Birthday, but then the voice trailed away and disappeared.) Lots of great cards, calls, flowers and more flowers. Doorbell ringing with presents. I made one of my “face-collaged portrait” for son Jim. I’ll post it soon.

Ralph gave me an Andy Warhol doll. What’s the message?? Hope gave me a companion octopus for my critter. They’re playing nicely together, nicely stuffed, that is.

Which I was — with a birthday dinner out of this world and fairy wands to wave and phone calls and notes and I felt so well-loved.

A little note here abut crying. I have never been a cryer. Now I cry over expressed love from my kids and dearies in my life. I am either about to cry or I’m wiping away tears. But why wipe them away? Tears like these are to be bottled.

Then the next day,Sunday, Liz and Dick gave me a birthday brunch with bagels and smoked salmon, birthday this and birthday that and Dick who does amazing woodwork gave me a treasure of his work.

And it was Jim’s REAL birthday which we celebrated. It is two days later and we love the decorations in the apartment so much we haven’t cleaned up. So tonight’s dinner guests
will stumble over old festivities.

Today Sybil, my daughter-in-love, gave me a real treat — a half hour of Qi Cong. It does wonders for the mind and body. I will try and do it every day.

We saw a new film the other night. Words and Pictures, Can’t recommend the film except the concept was interesting. And Binoche is so beautiful.

Jim and I shared a pastrami on rye and I had half a dozen cookies but my weight is still too low.

Goodbye, dear ones, till next one. I do not like the word BLOG. What shall I call it? Love, annie

Such a Busy Day

Such a busy day. Lawyer and talk of wills and living wills.   Son Jim went with me and was a huge help. 

 

Then, with Jim and Sybil, to my oncologist, Dr. Brenda Panzera, whom I admire and trust totally. Bloods drawn and my counts are fine.No anemia . She answered my questions.  Would my memory get worse? YES. Chemo fog. I asked her about my upcoming June gig at a Literary Festival in Minnesota. I had made up my mind to go. She said I didn’t ask her; I told her I was going. And so I am. But my old geezer, Ralph, will come with me for support. Or will I have to support him?  

Such a surprise when I opened  a birthday box from Peter and Jeanne in Portland, Ore. They sent me the most adorable cuddly snugly OCTOPUS. I can wear it on my head, when I want to feel wild and weird. Then, for health, they also sent me ancient grains in a chocolate chunk nut bar.

Worked out with Marisa, my great trainer of 15 years.

Sybil had gone downtown to Little Italy and came back with makings of our very good pesto pasta dinner. We watched Bill Mahr. Ralph joined us for dinner, which was fun.  He came, bearing mangoes and grapes.

Then an up and down night, reading and sleeping and dozing.  I;m reading a novel by the author of Olive Kitteridge, which I loved. This book, The Burgess Boys, is well written but the story is depressing me. I only have about an hour’s reading left and I will finish it. She is such a good writer that  her dysfunctional characters are  very real.

I look forward to tomorrow when daughter Annie and John come for the long weekend from Silver Spring, Md.

Wishing you all a safe, wonderful holiday weekend.  xoxoxo annie

Another Busy Day!

A rainy, grey day with horrendous traffic jams. Saw my wise therapist in the morning. Then an interesting interlude with my old friend, Sandy Kazan. Sandy was part of the original cast of Fiddler on the Roof when they opened in 1964! There is to be a gala with all the original players on Monday and the dress code is formal. So Sandy and I played dress-up. Well, Sandy did, trying on a few outfits and decided on my gorgeous long white silk skirt that zips up the front, from the bottom up. And she looked great in my black top I bought in Paris years and years ago.

That was the fun part of the day. The air conditioner guys came and worked less than an hour and charged me $753.00 to throw out the winter insulation and clean filters for the 9 a/c units.

Grandson Chris came and his Maid Marian had to work tonight. Ralph came. And son Jim and Sybill’s plane was an hour late, coming from Tortola in the British Virgin Islands. They called to say there were no taxis and so I expect the door to open any minute and there will be hugs and kisses — and dinner.

I last saw them in February when I went to Tortola twice!
I feel ok today — walking a bit unstable. Loved reading my mail.

Alison, my great assistant, is graduating this week and her mother is here from Texas. So I won’t see her till June 4th.

I found a dopey rubber “brain” and when I press it, two weird eyes pop out.

Busy Day

A coming and going day. Ralph’s son left, friend Carol Morgan came for what she calls an “hors d’oeuvre” visit. Short and sweet. She saw my art piece I had created, with the theme of the BRAIN! This was before I knew about the octopuses.

Here it is.

 

 

 

 

I have to practice stenciling.

Tonight is Film Night at the Century. NOTHING SACRED, a 1937 film. Molly Haskell will moderate the Q&A. I wrote to Dr. Panzera, asking about the results of the PET scan. No news yet.

Soin Jim and Sybil come from Tortola tomorrow. Can’t wait to see them.

That’s all, folks.

The BEST place for a PET Scan

Dear friends, If ever you need a cat, PET, anything scan, go to East River Imaging on East 72nd st. Not only do they make you comfy with warm blankets, a private room with a TV while you drink THAT stuff, but they take your order for a FREE deli sandwich and coffee afterwards. Then they have a FREE car service to take you home in style. This is how I spent most of the afternoon. In the morning, Ralph and I schlepped to a nearby tailor,  many clothing to be taken in. Taken WAY in.  Tonight friends for  dinner and Ralph’s prodigal son Andy’s last dinner here before he goes back to his life in Boca Raton. It’s been quite a week and it’s only Tuesday.

Last night Andy took us out to a family-run restaurant on 43th st, way east. Name may or not come to me. Great food. Nice wine. My tastebuds these days shout: SPICY or SWEET. Anything I crave that might make the scale higher. So I had sausages and spicy mushrooms and helped myself to their paella. And smeared butter on warm rolls.

Yesterday, my terrific assistant, Alison, came in, buried in flowers for me for our anniversary. SIX YEARS TOGETHER. How did she survive it?  And I know I couldn’t survive without her.

I am overwhelmed by the response of my first postings.

Today is a no-coat, no sweater day. Perfect. No real side effects for the Xeloda so far.

Just spoke to my internist and Geriatric maven, wonderful Dr. Leipzig, who blamed my memory confusion on a pill I’ve been taking at bedtime. I won’t mention the  indelicacy reason for that pill. Hey, you guessed it. But I’m to reduce the amount and see if memory is better. (Now what is my name???)

Entomology news: Octopus has a scientific name, of course. But this is remarkable. Octopus Vulgaris.

I will take Octopus  Vulgaris on a weekend to Paris.  Anybody care to finish this song?

Love, annie

 

 

 

Happy Xeloda Day!

Today I took my first chemo pills. But first there was a ritual. On the table  were my pills, a favorite book I wrote, an  art piece I created, a purple monkey that Hope’s grandson  made, my appointment book  a candle and a camera. Ralph blessed the pills. I kissed the pill container.

Oh.  Memory.  On my pill bottle the directions were to take 3 pills 12 hours apart. So I did. But when Alison came in, she told me that Dr. Panzera had told us I should take 2 pills. I’ll remember tonight. I’m to take the 2 pills 12 hours apart.

I was ready to go to my 4-hour appointment with Dr. Dinkins,  an eye doctor at Cornell Weil, when I felt a wave of fatigue. So I canceled my appointment, and rested upstairs for about 3 hours, reading The Burgess Boys.

I belong to a women’s group called Dialogue. We are an amazing group who has been together for umpty-up years. I have been part of Dialogue for over 20 years. We meet the last Monday of every month. Tonight there is a meeting I will have to miss. It’s at a member’s house in Hoboken and since it is my first day of chemo, I’ll stick closer to home.

I love the phone calls and think of them as little visits.  I feel well enough now to go out tonight to dinner with Ralph and his son, Andy.  This visit is the first for them, after 20 years of separation,. Andy will leave Wednesday and Jim and Sybil come from Tortola on Thursday.

A lovely surprise this morning. Alison came in, loaded with flowers for our sixth anniversary.  Six years assisted by the best assistant in the world.

When I came downstairs to my office after my rest I saw Alison had tidied my messy desk. What I want to do now is clean up my office. My art space. My working desks.   Make room for creativity,

What I wish for the most is to get back my poetry  which left me after the radio surgery almost two years ago. Of course, the radiation team didn’t tell me my memory would be affected.  The doctors Green and Germano insist the radiation had nothing to do with the poetry loss.  Every day, for about 6 years, I had written and read poetry. It was my creative life.

Thank goodness, I started to concentrate on collage art.

I was working on and off on a children’s book about my adventures. I think I will put it aside. For now.

I was reading Proust but I think I will stop.

New low weight this morning, 94 pounds.

I had given some well-loved clothes to a tailor to take in. And started a huge bag of clothes to give away. I signed about 6 petitions today to help make a difference with our country’s ills.

There’s an Octopus in my Brain

Too many to name, the little ones, the tiny ones, the microscopic ones.  So the tentacles reaching into time (I typed retching). What I’m going for is Quality of Life. Fun and reading and writing this and music and movies and theater and art and helping and family and friends always. I wish I could make peace in the world happen but methinks I need more time!

First edition BOOK hunt this morning. I have so many of them including many Anais Nins and a wonderful Maxim Gorky autobiography that Ed Wallant  gave me in 1961. Going through my books beginning at 5AM. . Bad sleep.  Did a little too much. Now at 10, I am tired, must have a little breakfast before the Janas’ come to wheelchair me at the Met.  So I ate a little of Ralph’s egg salad.

Now back from the Met. I was Ann and John’s “date” and I wasn’t allowed to pay for transportation or lunch at the Members Balcony dining room which was lovely and quiet and stocked with many catalogues of the exhibits.  Aren’t I lucky to have this treasure trove so close.  Saw the pouf (love the word) costumes  that were more about architecture and engineering than clothes designing. Sorry, my memory is playing its tricks again and not giving me the designer’s name. John was a great wheelchair driver, not bumping into anyone!  Then we went to the Met roof that looked like a Paris or NYC park on a sunny, warm day.  Artificial green turf, clematis, wisteria, people lying on the green, picnicking , reading, napping.

I am  willing myself to not mourn nor miss London’s IWF events and that goes  for Berlin, too,   I will live in the here and now and plan to make it wonderful. With your help.  Friends are writing me the most amazing things. Such gifts!

Sunday evening, Hope and I had a bite to eat at Fiorello’s. Italian wedding soup. And wine. Then we saw the movie,  Chinese Puzzle. Light and laughter.

The night before,  Ralph and I had watched  a Net Flix Chinatown with a young Jack Nicholson.  I had liked it years ago but found I couldn’t stand the way women were treated in the film .

Remembered the designer’s name at the Met. Charles James.